I miss the way your body felt against mine, warm and polite. When you’d slide your callused fingers against my shoulder blades and tell me stories when I asked for them. The way you’d move my hair to kiss my neck before I fell asleep. Those quiet things I never talked about with anyone because they were all mine and I was protective of them. All those people who never understood us, who never knew about the moments that tried to stay lodged in our bones but they burned through us. These weeks have been the loneliest things I have ever known. I don’t know how to convey them to anyone, how to say that it’s not only about missing a person but knowing that you have to be tough and encouraging because this is your one shot to live the life you wanted to live with them. And what does it mean if we get this close, what’s on the other end waiting for us to fuck up? None of them know about that side of this. And now the light of this bedroom no longer reminds me of you but the nights I spent without you, crying quietly because I was so afraid of what to do so that the days didn’t pick me apart into pieces of what I used to be. How I’m glad that when I see you again we will be picking up to begin our next adventure because this room is stained with the silence. How I never talked to anyone else about it for the longest time because the moments belonged to me and they were all I had. And all those mornings I had to choke back the things I wanted to scream in the shower about not knowing how to do this, about how the fear consumed me effortlessly, before I knew how to put up a fight. Concern is such a homeless thing to feel, like you have no where to put the feelings safely inside of and all that’s left is the thought that maybe you’ll never find it. All those days I had to remind myself that this was worth it, that the next time I saw you we would be chasing the next dream, that you and me were built with an inextinguishable amount of bravery and nothing could ever take that from us. I think about all the words I spent so many days being too afraid to say, how I thought that by touching them somehow it would fracture everything we spent all of our time building. Sometimes all I wanted was to holler them out into the openness into the loneliness rip them from my chest even when they weren’t ready because I couldn’t take their weight against me anymore. How I held them within me for so long that I was ready to burn through them if it meant I could hold you instead. And now I keep seeing you in your new blue suit, I keep seeing you with your hair tight and close, thinking about your voice on the phone and how I was so angry with myself for crying when we had to say goodbye because I’m a lot stronger than that now. I’ll see you so soon that the thought of it starts to burn my eyes. I’ve been pulling the words from my ribs like petals, plucking them softly when I know which ones I want. You’d be proud. I’m not so afraid anymore.
this is so beautiful.
(Source: ashliwood)
